‘A lid for every pot:’ Attachment styles matter in marriage, according to Purdue Sciences researcher

Written by: Tim Brouk, tbrouk@purdue.edu

Susan South

Some of the latest relationship science research from Purdue University clinical psychology professor Susan South’s Relationships and Mental Health Lab focuses on “attachment styles,” which are patterns in adult relationships stemming from childhood bonds with caregivers as well as from previous adult romantic relationships.

Researchers classify these romantic attachments in four styles, according to Personal Psychology: secure, anxious or insecure, avoidant, and disorganized.

For her studies, which were assisted by teams of PhD and undergraduate student researchers, South concentrated on secure, anxious and avoidant styles to see how they matter in new marriages among 100 Indiana couples married less than a year. The 36-item surveys revealed what kind of attachment styles each person had, and a separate, 32-item survey measured their satisfaction in the relationship.

A secure attachment style is most ideal, but some people just aren’t wired that way. Can the anxious or insecure still thrive in a marriage?

“There’s a lid for every pot,” South said. “I do think there’s someone out there who can help us if we have a model of relationships where we just don’t trust or we’re worried about the consequences of being in a relationship. I think we can find a partner who can restore that trust. But that sometimes might take really thinking about your past behaviors and your past relationships and building some insight into what happened before and what you need going forward in relationships.”

After sifting through the thousands of data points, South and her students found if participants, who were mostly in their late 20s or early 30s, had an insecure relationship with their parents, they were more likely to have an insecure attachment with their current partner. Those who had the happiest reports about their marriage showed secure attachment styles. The worst scores came when both partners had anxious or avoidant attachment styles.

However, this doesn’t mean that anxious or even avoidant attached people won’t or cannot find wedded bliss.

All about trust

South said a couple’s trust is the most important factor in maintaining a secure attachment style. On the other side of the coin, mistrust is the main ingredient in an anxious attachment style.

“You want to have a partner, but you just don’t trust the ability to either have a partner or once you’re in a relationship, you don’t trust that partner. You’re constantly worried that something’s going to happen,” South explained. “I think there’s some attachment style playing into that. We want to make a relationship work, but we don’t trust it — but we’re going to try and make it work. Or, you go into a relationship with so much baggage from previous relationships where you tried to make it work. You tried so hard to make these relationships work that you’re now carrying that baggage along with you.”

The avoidant attachment style, which stems from pessimism toward their spouse or relationships in general, is emotionally distant or avoids intimacy. They may even be the type to not want to be in a serious relationship.

The best way to remedy these mostly negative attachment styles might be therapy — either solo or along with their spouse.

“I think therapy is a great way to try and understand your history of relationships,” South said. “What are my concerns? What are my fears? What am I doing, and then how can I think about relationships in a more proactive positive way going forward?”

Find the ‘lid’ that best fits before saying ‘I do’

South’s advice for those not yet in a serious relationship is to get to know your potential partner’s attachment style. They may find that potential partner too emotional or too distant to be a compatible wife or husband. Conversely, try to recognize the signs of trustworthiness in a potential partner.

“I think there can be relationships where if someone comes into the relationship with more insecure attachment, the experience of a healthy, positive, constructive relationship can be really repairing, but I think it can be most destructive when you’ve got two people who come into a relationship both with a history of distrusting relationships,” South said. “If I could tell young adults one thing I would say, ‘Hold out for the person who meets your needs. Hold out for someone who is the person who is going to help you meet your goals, who wants to help you be the best you can be.’”