November 30, 2004

No set answers for handling grief at holidays, expert says

For families dealing with the loss of a loved one over the holidays, it is important to remember that each person deals with grief in a different way, says a Purdue expert on grief and mourning.

"At the holidays, just as during the rest of the year, it is important for people to keep in mind that there is no right or wrong way to grieve or to approach grief," says Heather Servaty-Seib, an assistant professor of counseling and development in Purdue's School of Education.

"Some people want to continue with all of the same rituals as previous years. Others might want completely to change their holiday rituals, while others may choose to do something between the two extremes. Grief is an extremely personal experience, but when people start to focus on how society may be judging the way they grieve, they start to judge themselves."

Servaty-Seib says it's important for parents or caregivers to talk with grieving children before making any holiday plans, as children will have their own ideas and opinions about what those plans should include. They should also decide together what, if any, role the lost loved one's memory should play in holiday celebrations.

"As adults, we often make the mistake of thinking children grieve like we do," she says. "Every member of the family, including the children, will have different experiences of grief and different perspectives about how the holidays should be approached after the death of a loved one. It is important to allow everyone to have input so that everyone can have a personal connection to the new, altered or continued family tradition.

"Even for young children, parents need not worry about 'causing' more grief by discussing the loved one's death, since children are already grieving. Not discussing the loss openly can be, and often is, a factor that actually leads to problems."

CONTACT: Servaty-Seib, (765) 494-0837, servaty@purdue.edu

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