SUPPORTING YOUR STUDENT
Survival Skills for Parents

Your son or daughter is beginning an exciting journey, and you're beginning this journey, too. You will share the joys and sorrows, successes and failures just as vividly.

Of course, no one can ensure that the first year at college will be easy for you or your student, but here are some guidelines that may help.

• Do not ask them if they are homesick
  The power of suggestion can be dangerous. The idea of being homesick often does not occur until someone suggests it.
  
  The first few weeks of school are full of activities and friends. The challenge of meeting new people and adjusting to new situations takes most of a freshman's time and concentration. So, unless they are reminded of it (by a well-meaning parent), they may be able to escape the loneliness and frustration of homesickness. Even if they do not tell you during those first few weeks, they do miss you.

• Write or e-mail (even if they do not write or e-mail you back)
  Although freshmen are typically eager to experience all the away-from-home independence they can in those first weeks, most are still anxious for family ties and the security those ties bring. This surge of independence may be misinterpreted as rejection by sensitive parents, but most freshmen want some news of home and family. There is nothing more depressing than an empty mailbox. Warning - do not expect a reply to every letter or e-mail you send. If you are using e-mail, you may get a reply more frequently simply because it's easier. At Purdue, e-mail access is a free service to all students.

• Ask questions (but not too many)
  Many college freshmen are "cool" (or so they think) and may resent interference with their newfound lifestyle, but most desire the security of knowing that you are still interested in them.
  
  Parental curiosity may add more stress than relief, depending on the attitudes of the persons involved. "I-have-a-right-to-know," questions with ulterior motives, or "the nag" should be avoided. Honest inquiries, however, and other "between friends" communication and discussion will do much to further the parent-freshman relationship.

• Do not worry (too much) about emotional phone calls, letters, or e-mails
  Parenting can be a thankless job, especially during the college years. It is a lot of give and only a little take. Often when troubles become too much for a freshman to handle (a flunked test, end of a relationship, and a shrunken T-shirt, all in one day), the only place to turn, write, or call is home. Unfortunately, this is often the only time that an urge to communicate is felt so strongly, so you never get to hear about the "A" paper, the new relationship, or the domestic triumph.
  
  Be patient with that nothing-is-going-right-I-hate-this-place communication. You are providing a real service as an advisor, sympathetic ear, or punching bag. Granted, it is a service that may not feel good to you, but it works wonders for a frustrated student.

• Visit (but not too often)
  Visits by parents (especially those that include a shopping spree or dinner out) are another part of first-year events that freshmen are reluctant to admit liking, but do appreciate greatly.
  
  These visits give the student a chance to introduce some of the important people in both of his/her worlds (home and school) to each other. Additionally, it is a way for parents to become familiar with (and more understanding of) their student's new activities, commitments, and friends.
  
  Spur-of-the-moment "surprises" are not usually appreciated (preemption of a planned weekend of studying or other activities can have disastrous results). It is best to schedule a special day, such as Family Day or Mother's Weekend, to see your student and the school; that way, you may even get to see a clean room.

• It's all part of growing up
  The freshman year can be full of discovery, inspiration, good times, and new friends. Freshmen can also experience indecision, disappointments, and mistakes. It will take time for some students to accept that being happy, sad, confused, liked, disappointed, and making mistakes are all part of growing up.
  
  Parents need to understand that many college students do not get good grades, know what they want to major in, have activity-filled days, or make lots of friends. There are students who do experience all of these things, but there are many who experience bumps along the way. Being college-educated does not mean being mistake-proof. Parents who accept and try to understand their student's experience are providing support and encouragement when it is needed most.

• Take time to discuss finances
  Most college students are still financially dependent on parents to some degree. Sit down and discuss your family's financial situation with your son or daughter. Students need to know how much money will be available to them and how much of the fiscal responsibility is theirs.

• Prepare for their return
  When the school year ends and your son or daughter returns home for vacation, plan to sit down and discuss the rules of living at home. Parents need to respect the individuality their children have worked so hard to achieve, and students need to know there are rules and courtesies to be observed.

• Trust them
  Finding oneself is difficult enough without feeling that the people whose opinions you respect most are second-guessing you. One of the most important things you can do as a parent is to give your student your trust.

Revised from the National Orientation Directors Association Orientation Planning Manual